Right near the Carlton School, the state installed a new light with an Enhanced Pedestrian Warning System in the crosswalk. According to the Salem News, when pedestrians press the button to cross the street, they hear this audio recording:

“Cross street with caution. Vehicles may not stop.”
 
So forget everything the Sesame Street gang told you. Even if you cross in the crosswalk, hold hands, and look both ways–you can still get run over by a truck.

If stating the obvious turns out to be an effective use of taxpayer money, perhaps we should install audio warnings on other things:

• Condom Packages –“Copulate with caution. STDs and semen may penetrate prophylactic.”
• Church Altars–“Say ‘I Do’ with caution. Marriage may not last.”
• Sushi Bars–“Eat with caution. Consuming raw or undercooked foods may cause you to poop or vomit.”
• Amusement Rides–“Ride with caution. Restraints may not function properly.”
• Super Bowl Halftime Show–“View with caution. Television network may not block out obscenities and nudity.”

Readers– do you have any ideas for useful Enhanced Warning Systems?

Decking the halls for Christmas is easy—just walk into to any gas station or department store and you can purchase enough red and green flair to compete with the North Pole. Decorating for Hanukkah, however, is a challenge. In order to burn candles for eight nights, you’ll have to burn a lot of gas first just to find them.

But now you don’t have to schlep all over town to get ready for the Festival of Lights because I did it for you. I scoured the back corners of stores everywhere to bring you The Best and Worst Hanukkah End Caps of 2011.

Each store below is rated from zero to eight lights– with eight lights meaning it has the best Hanukkah selection. (Note: The candle in the middle of the menorah is always lit, and it isn’t counted in the rating.)

T.J. Maxx, Marshalls & Home Goods – 0 Lights

TJX stores don’t get a single light on the menorah because they didn’t even try to get in the Hanukkah spirit–or at least not all of their stores did. When I asked an employee at a huge T.J. Maxx/Home Goods where the Hanukkah decorations were, he looked terrified!Surrounded by Santas and reindeer, he explained that only select stores carry holiday cheer for Jewish people, and they weren’t one of them. TJX consolidated their Hanukkah decor, he said, because last year each store only stocked a few items.

It’s so hit or miss that I wouldn’t bother. I missed at a Marshalls, but I did find a small selection at another Home Goods. Some items included blue nutcrackers and Star of David pasta. They also threw in Hebrew letter cookie cutters that aren’t even the same letters found on the dreidle.

Walmart – 1 Light

Although the Walmart I visited had an entire wing called the Christmas Shop, their Hanukkah section was a pitiful mess located in the craft aisle. Sandwiched between surplus Christmas goods and leftover turkey tablecloths, their Hanukkah selection didn’t even take up a full end cap. They had the basics like an electric menorah, candles, and some gelt hidden under an artificial flower, but I had to dig through a disaster to find it.

Check out the Hefty brand Snowman napkins that were in the Hanukkah section, compared to the full snowman set available in their Christmas Shop.

Pier 1 Imports – 1 Light

Pier 1 gets one light for effort. Instead of an end cap, they had an end table topped with an overpriced menorah, candles, and some Hanukkah confetti.

CVS – Two Lights

CVS sure has an idea of who makes up their Jewish demographic. I couldn’t find their Hanukkah section until an employee directed me to the end cap directly across from the pharmacy.

While you browse the pain relievers and canes, you can also pick up CVS brand chocolate coins for $1.19 each, or the Hanukkah gelt for $1.49.

The Paper Store – 4 Lights

After an employee thought very hard about where the Hanukkah merchandise was located, she led me to an end cap at the rear of the store. Their selection was small but thoughtful, including pretty gift wrap, craft projects for kids, and a box of Hanukkah cards that were actually designed after 1970.

iParty – 6 Lights

It wasn’t all menorahs and dreidles at iParty. Although they had a full mini aisle of Hanukkah stuff, they pulled the old blue and silver trick to pad their selection.

In between some cute finds like a “My First Chanukah” bib, they strategically stocked anything that was blue, white, silver or gold.

Christmas Tree Shops – 7 Lights

Welcome to tchotchke central. If you’re looking for fake gem encrusted dreidles, Hanukkah hot chocolate kits, and Star of David teddy bears, you’ve come to the right place. And it’s all for the dirt cheap prices you’ve come to love from the Christmas Tree Shops, like paper goods for just $1. The only downfall is the quality is what you’d expect from them too. Good thing whatever you buy only needs to last eight nights.

Target – 8 Lights

It’s a miracle! Target is on target with Hanukkah this year. They actually had their Hanukkah decorations in the holiday section side by side with the Christmas wares.

Although they were a bit pricier than the Christmas Tree Shops, Target’s selection was modern, unique, and better quality. They’ve got the best one-stop-Hanukkah-shop I found (but I’d still buy the paper goods at the Christmas Tree Shops, you can’t beat a buck)!

Photos by Jonathan Barbato

Turkey by Mark A. Hicks, illustrator

For the Wicked Witch of the West, it was water. Finding the antidote for Occupy Boston has been more difficult. Very little will keep the 24/7 protestors from their tent city– not rain, not cold, not snow, not violence, not illness. But there is one thing that will lure Occupiers out of their Colemans and away from the Rose Kennedy Greenway, and his name is Tom. I don’t mean Mayor Thomas Menino. I’m talking about Tom the Turkey.

According to the Boston Herald, many Occupiers will be going home for Thanksgiving. Others will head to Franklin Park for a donated meal.  This means that tomorrow the Greenway will be largely unoccupied.

As the Herald reports, Menino would have the opportunity to move in on the movement. But so far he hasn’t indicated he’s about to show Occupiers the door (flap, rather). So poultry can do what the law can’t. And all it takes is moms home cookin’ for the die-hard protestors to leave in droves.

It’s all so ridiculous that it sounds less like reality and more like an episode of South Park. But a cartoon version could remedy the issue faster than Boston officials. Cartman and company would liquefy turkey, load it into Super Soakers, and infiltrate the camp. While the Tryptophan in the turkey put the Occupiers to sleep, South Park townies would take back their land. Simple as that.

But we’re not talking about a fictional town; we’re talking about the Hub. You know, the city that can’t legally reclaim Dewey Square because a judge ruled Occupiers can’t be evicted.

And let’s be realistic, even if we could hear crickets chirping in Camp Occupy we wouldn’t take it back– not when it could interfere with plans to camp out for Black Friday shopping. So there’s a more sensible solution, and bird’s the word. Families of occupiers should just cook more turkey.

Yesterday the Boston Globe reported that a 17th century Blue Law in Massachusetts, which states that stores can’t open before midnight on Thanksgiving without a permit, are disrupting retailer’s plans. Stores that already announced midnight openings like Target, Walmart and Macy’s have had to adjust their hours. But the real story isn’t about Blue Laws interfering with holiday shopping, it’s about shopping interfering with the holidays.

Instead of families sitting around the Thanksgiving Day table sharing what they’re thankful for, they’re plotting a Black Friday plan of attack:
VIP mall parking? Check.
Coach bus tickets to the outlets? Check.
Team assembled to storm Best Buy for a $299 laptop? Check.

High on manufactured cheer and credit card debt, we’ve let retailers transform the national day of thanks into a prelude for something that’s quite the opposite:
Thanksgiving: Giving thanks for what you have
Black Friday: Buying things you don’t need

And what about the people who work on Black Friday—the modern day Bob Cratchits of the United States? Everyone who stocks, scans, and bags Black Friday goods before the sun comes up has their Thanksgiving cut short.

It’s especially lousy for moms who work retail. On Thanksgiving morning they’re the first to get up to put the turkey in the oven, cook all day, serve a meal, clean up, and then run to work for the craziest shopping day of the year. (And because Black Friday isn’t a real holiday, they probably won’t be paid time and a half.) Mommy will work like a dog for two days straight so that Americans can fight over limited quantity door busters, and retail big wigs can squeeze out as much profit as possible.

Instead of repealing the Blue Laws we should make them stricter. Who really needs to start holiday shopping before five am? It’s not worth sacrificing the little family time we have left to help push retailers into the black. What a conscience that our forefathers gave Massachusetts, the state that founded Thanksgiving, a little blue reminder about the true meaning of the holiday.

Using Parker is like putting a game as consuming as Angry Birds in the hands of drivers, but with a real prize: be the first to reach the green circle and you’ll win a parking space. Seems like a step in the wrong direction since the state is trying to get motorists to put down the phone with texting while driving laws.

Massachusetts: Let’s ban texting, emailing, and reading messages while driving.
Boston: Let’s make an app especially for drivers!

Normally when Boston drivers are hunting down a spot, it’s a total body experience—eyes on the road, mouths forming curse words, one hand on the wheel while the other flips off cyclists. But with Parker, motorists have an incentive to pay less attention to the street and more attention to their mobile devices. They won’t be swearing at bicyclists who cut them off– they’ll run them over instead.

Lets say a driver using Parker actually arrives at an open space without killing anyone; it’s not over yet.  That’s because everyone else is hightailing it to the same available spaces. And because Parker lets people reserve and pay for some spots in advance, being the first to put on your directional next to an open spot doesn’t mean it’s yours. Imagine the friendly conversations drivers will have trying to sort that one out.

So if you’re on foot, on a bike, or on the road–watch out. Boston’s streets are about to get crazier than mall parking lots during the holidays.

The ad says it’s so good, “It’ll blow your hair back.” But the real question is, why is the guy’s hair blown back too?

So what are big-time chains like Sears, Walmart, and Toys“R”Us doing to compete for consumer’s cash? Layaway. They’re bringing old school payment plans back from the dead to help revive their sales. How sexy.

But something doesn’t add up. If the 99% is struggling to find work and pay bills, how can they afford the Lexus of cell phones when they won’t pay $20 for a sweater?

The truth is, no matter the price or sacrifice, consumers only want products that begin with lowercase i’s:

What man needs a Craftsman stud-finder or level when there’s an app for that?
What kid needs a bunch of toys when they only want to play with mommy’s phone?
And who needs a GPS from Walmart when you have Google Maps?

Only after shoppers max out their credit cards on iPhones, iPods, and iPads will they use layaway at other stores. For the sake of every other retailer on the planet, let’s hope the Apple store doesn’t offer lawaway too.

Related articles

• iPhone 4S review (engadget.com)
• Steve Wozniak Has A New White iPhone 4S (AAPL) (businessinsider.com)
• iPhone 4S Activation Attempts Slam AT&T Servers [VIDEO] (mashable.com)

Dunkin Donuts vs. Starbucks isn’t the only single-serve coffee battle. There’s another brouhaha that isn’t getting any attention.

It appears that we’re too caught up in the magic of brewing cute, quick, and disposable cups of coffee to realize that Keurig K-Cups will be hanging around a lot longer than a caffeine boost. That’s because K-Cups are not recyclable.

Keurig acknowledges on their social responsibility webpage that the way they put together the K-Cup’s filter, cup, and aluminum foil top, “makes recycling difficult.”

But their hands are tied.

Although they claim to be working on a greener method, the only way they can currently  produce K-Cups is by using packaging that will outlive your grandkids. If not, Keurig says, “…all the resources and effort put into growing and roasting great coffee would be wasted.”

And who would waste great coffee when we can create environmental waste instead?